My #1 Fan and Worst Enemy

Isn't it strange how sometimes something or someone can equally make us feel on top of the world and at the bottom pit of hell? The high of sugar then regretful stomach ache after. The worst part is when this something is yourself. Your mind. The one true thing that you feel you can never escape. I've been pondering lately about how high and low my mind truly wanders. Within minutes sometimes... I've always known that I suffer from anxiety which at times turned into depression, I've read about it explored different options and coping systems, even began to feel free from it in a way up until a couple weeks ago. I felt that I understood the "bad" stuff that my mind goes through and I can recognize when it's going to happen and to some point get a little control on it. But what is baffling to me is how absolutely great I can make myself feel. It's so contradictory! And yet possibly what has saved me all these years? Took me out of my dark spot.. But I mean really... not just "You're going to conquer the day today, Jess!" but some "You're a fucking rock star, bad ass, beauty who is gonna conquer this LIFE." and although it's great to have these bursts of self love and motivation (especially when I really need to clean my house), it's almost as if this makes the dark days, or moments I should say, so much damn harder. So disappointing. Because ya girl believed in herself, and I let myself down HARD. Should I put this much blame on myself and these crazy dramatic expectations? Of course not. But they are similarly as difficult to combat as my fear and anger and sadness. It's like once I get an idea started I want to do it all! Instead of just focus on cleaning your room first it turns into clean your room, rearrange furniture, get rid of old clothes, this is exactly what you need once you do these you'll feel great!! (weird coping mechanism much?) It's as if I run away from my actual responsibilities and anxiety and find this solution or idea that I can't let go. Then once I don't complete every task I said I was going to either due to lack of time or the idea being to big to conquer all at once, I'm crushed. It's an insufferable combination of perfectionism with extreme laziness.. Like having to convince myself to get out of bed to pee type of laziness and I'm so ashamed and mad at myself for this stuff that I get into a rut and stay there until I get another one of these motivation boosters. Crappy cycle if you ask me! Don't get me wrong the boosts can be great I can easily be so determined that I get everything done that I wanted to accomplish for a week in one day but there's just not a ton of consistency.. which eats me alive! Even though it's me doing it to myself.. Consistency is a good area of focus though because the issue for me is obsessing over being less lazy but also completing an unreasonable amount of tasks on one day isn't working. Hopefully y'all can relate to this madness and raise your glass to another day in the adventures of Jess. Cheers and Happy Huuuuumpday.